Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery.

A little thinking!:D

2012-02-11T20:59:00.005+08:00

Went to the zoo ystd.. I got every prove to say why I want to be animals!!!

Look at this?? Just lying there and let us take pic?? Cute not??

This lion probably just wake up from its beauty sleep...

Just loitering around and look at humans waiting for feeding time??

This one sleep like a boss, nothing to do just sleep... Jealous much!!

This little thing is taking its own sweet time to eat the plant.. Just eat only..

This one stay under the sun too longggg taking a great time to stretch...

All this do is eat! Dig and eat dig and eat... Their life so simple yet satisfying..

Just swimming around in circles all day round, waiting for food and shit like a boss.

Have been sitting there for quite a while, this is it's life..

Wonder if their life is as complicated as ours.. But they look happier at least..

This one emoing with the stick in the hand.. LOL! I can feel you totally!

Eating and eating and eating.. Just eat non stop..

Eat again....

See!! All animals just eat and sleep and wait.. Can I be like them? :(

Fuck my life

2012-02-11T13:51:00.001+08:00

Working A shift should be a very happy thing! But what's wrong with me??
Fuck emotions really!
My heart very pain for don know what fucking reason but I want to cry no tears is out. Even if got tears I don why am I crying sad about.
One thing to conclude:
IM VERY VERY VERY TIRED!!

What's the point of earning money and spending it? What's the point of wearing nice nice clothes or even branded stuff? What's the point of having friends or lovers when they eventually will leave you either by their own choice or they were force to leave? What's the point of having vacation? What's the point of studying?? Just for a cert to let you earn more money so you could spend more? What's the point of all those betrayal jealousy sadness happiness anger?? What's the point of working hard to be at the top when one mistakes or person can push you to the bottom of the cliff and from there you start all over again to reach the top... Is the top really important? To be the best?? REALLY! What's the point of living to suffer all this and DIE??

The feeling of loneliness has been with me as long as it stays! It stick to me and refuse to leave me!
It's so ironic that I will try to console others and advise them but I ain't doing anything about myself.

But am I the only human who feel this way at this age?? I work too hard since my childhood I want to let go all of it. But in the current society am I allowed to do it??

Someone please kill me end my life cos I really want to be something else. Like animals at the zoo??
They will not worry about their future eat and sleep all day long. They are fixed to this partner for the rest of their life. All they need to do is do their own stuff within their enclosed areas and wait to die. They no need to worry that they will have food or whether they will hot to death or freeze to death.

p.s having break now. No appetite to eat! ;(

Stick to the status quo

2012-02-09T12:33:00.001+08:00

On the way to school now.. Zzz
Bus take so long to come!! Late become later.. Lol!
I really need to stop! Why am I falling deeper?? I don want anything to change with all the awkwardness and everything! I need to wait! Other than that I'm not going to do anything..

Wait crystal just wait! You won't die! Please don fall deeper! I can't be too attached to someone! It always end with me hurting my ownself!!

On the bus now!:) Hope everything is fine!:)

Everything should be fine...

2012-02-08T23:48:00.002+08:00

It's been a long time since I blogged.

Guess I'm busy with some stuff, or no.. I'm just lofting around aimlessly, as always..

This 2 weeks is study week but I went to work..

Bleah~ Then comes the exams and holidays.

YES! Holidays! Should I go find another job?

With all my driving FTT and practical together with ILSCM camp coming up..

I DON KNOW!

I just want everyday to go pass very slowly especially the happy moments others please just zoom past me!:(

I should not fall deeper like really! I will feel bad for don know why and I will be scared for the outcome and consequences. & what if everything is a lie?? I will hurt myself again..

All my friends is in a very bad mood! Because of similar reasons..

I tried my best, I really did to be there for each one of them. But there's nothing I can do to make them feel better. All I did was just to be there for them, see how useless am I?! :(

I hope everyone will be happy again! Don be like me ah! Emo and feeling helpless and feel so lonely and everything. It sucks, RIGHT??

So many things on my mind but I'm still lost. Tried to avoid it for a period of time but it's of no use. Instead I have alot more things to add on it now!;(

-You know the feeling when you cant even cry or tell anyone about it?? This sucks big time!

A little too tired...

2012-01-28T22:07:00.003+08:00

Finally done with the CBM assignments.

Now I have to face the test that is coming up!!!

I don even feel a thing.. Is it a good thing??

Work today seems so longgggggggg..

I swear, cant wait to come home for the first time!:D

Eh, I got to be independent ah.. Emotionally, mentally everything!

So today, since I got no one to talk to, I set my goals! HEHE..

I will start from the easiest!:P

-Need to get my GPA higher than the previous sem! FIGHTING!

-Get my driving license

-Quit Esprit as soon as possible...

-Head to Thailand for vacation

-Have another vacation with my friends asap!:D

Yeap! See! HAHAHAH. Some of them very lame but yeah, who cares!:D

About quitting Esprit... I just realize that there's no point of me staying there anymore.

So what if I treat them like my friend, do they do that too??

Well hell no! & it's all cos of this group of "special" people!

HAHAHA.. Thanks aye, for making fun of me non stop! REALLY!

I was to this extend that I want to give you my middle finger in front of your face on the selling floor. It seems like only joking joking ah. But we are humans and got feelings, one time is enough and not continuously talking about it..

I controlled myself by saying this in my mind:

"Let them talk all they want, so what if I don understand, God does! Let's wait for their karma! Everyone has their own flaws! But at least I studied more than them! That's my advantage right~?"

I sound totally like a bitch! But really, I have reach my max!

We are fully utilized by you all! Have to clear the fitting room so we can go home and all you all did is nothing that can help to clear the fitting room. Why don you just fucking step into our shoes and see how we feel??!

Ok, rant is over! Felt much better now!

p.s. I just cant start to get you off my mind!! This is bad~

-Unrequited love is painful but not romantic

Random thoughts....

2012-01-25T22:38:00.002+08:00

Was talking about Esprit online and suddenly the number 6 appear again..

When I think of Esprit with the number 6... I will think of the past.. WHY OH WHY??

But one thing for sure, I enjoyed myself fully during those times!

Love them for making my life more interesting!

Miss them so much! Meet up soon aye?? <3

Summarize of every outing we had together!

I hope this collection goes on forever.. Pretty please??!!

-Memories will never fade in my heart & mind!<3

Happy Chinese New Year!:D

2012-01-24T14:58:00.006+08:00

Today is the 2nd day of the CNY!

Had dim sum at Din Tai Fung just now!:D

I will want to go back again!

Here are some pictures!:D

Grandma!<3

Teehee!:D

Me & my aunt!:D

My aunt & the cute dog!

Captain something... :P

Tin tin!:D

Done! Gonna slack my day away with some stuffs and head to work tmr!:D

-No point in being unhappy when no one else even bother, so be happy!:D

After a bad weather, there'll be a rainbow...

2012-01-19T21:34:00.002+08:00

HI!!!! HAHA!

Finally get over for BTT! HEHE..

I passed!! 48/50!:D

Now I need to go down and apply for my PDL & book for FTT!

Gonna head down with Joey & Jon next week!:D

Next week is CNY! Everyone is prepared for CNY..

Im so not in the mood to, when I got burdens increasing everyday..

Shall start on one of my work now..

Zzzz

I don feel like going for work tmr.

Eh no, I cannot go tmr, finish my school stuff first!:D

-Our greatest strengths are our greatest weakness.

It's never ending...

2012-01-18T21:19:00.002+08:00

Projects projects projects!!!

Never ending! I was so happy that I get to cleared some of the projects but need to prepare for the presentation..

I sucks at expressing myself confidently!

Mirror, mirror on the wall! Will you be my best friend??

But the problem is I got no time, & to think that I want to take up dance lessons! I must be nuts!

HAHAHA..

Headache since the afternoon. I want to open my brain up and see what's wrong..

Tried to do IL report, but all the information is all over the place and I must think to put it right, so I went over to do SCM.

Then it was going well till I have to adjust the diagrams and arrows.. So I give up officially.

Brain is at 0% energy but I have not even read through the BTT book.

BTT tmr night.. Will I be able to pass it?? The question keeps coming up in my head..

God please bless me.. Shall go and do the revision on my laptop now.

-What we do is what we are

We are what we do...

2012-01-13T21:08:00.003+08:00

Went to the library today to borrow some books. Sad that they do not have the one that I search on Google yesterday!:( But I manage to find some good ones, shall read it when I'm bored or upset. Anything. I just need to learn so badly.

Today is the Friday the 13th. Is it really meant to be a bad day? For me, it's the day that I'm numb to everything, getting used to it and have sort it out for myself. So yeah. today is the day that I will start.

Shall do my work now. I need to work hard for myself!:D

"The three components of happiness are something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to." - Too soon old, Too late smart, Gordon Livingston

As it had always been

2012-01-12T20:11:00.003+08:00

Decided to head down to library soon to borrow books. My life is too boring to even talk about!:D

Finishing my beer game was a great thing for me. I feel more relaxed now even though I will think more of other things.. Trying hard to occupied myself again! AS ALWAYS!

Well, It's all up to me anyway. Can't wait for holidays to come where I can change inside out. I will try my very best to do that. Just to move on with my life!:D Then maybe I can search for my goals again. & at the same time trying very hard to earn money for myself to spend and plan for my future. Sounds good! Hope I can keep this mindset till the very end. I need more inspiring books. Anyone can recommend??

This seems like a dead blog. Bet no one visits here except for me, the rightful owner whose emotions went up & down like a roller coaster everyday!:D HAHA..

IMMA AN EMO GIRL!:D

p.s I got to learn it on my own and decided to turn to books for help cause they tell the truth.

Be strong...

2012-01-10T10:01:00.003+08:00

Fuck everything that happened recently even if it's the smallest thing...

If this continue I don know what to do..

So for now I have to tell myself to be strong and live well, mind my own business do my part and fuck care everything else!!

It's so hard to live day by day recently..

See?? No one even cares.. Who will read this blog anyway.. No one knows about it, even if I tell anyone before will they even remember?? No right. So yeah. FULL STOP!

If my friend tell me that she tried cutting herself and thinking of dying. I will make her my first priority and care for and look out for her.. I will try to stand in her shoes and think that she wont feel even worse..

I want to cry but no tears can flow out anymore. Im numb to it.. Just a few more days, few more months, few more years, few more decades and I can die.

Hectic week...

2012-01-09T18:59:00.002+08:00

Projects and assignments due one after another..

I still got time to shopppp... :O I really never die before..

HAHAHAH.. But I shall treat it as a way of distress!:D

Finish AM tutorial, now doing beer game..

Shall do sth tmr during CBM since I wont be paying attention..

Decided not to go to the Thailand CIP trip..

It's getting too long to reply.. Lazy to go already!!

Shall stay in Singapore and WORK till I drop!

HAHAH.. Looking forward to it!:D

Everything is well for now. Everything that happen I let it go...

I'm trying to control my temper..

-I feel that no one trust me anymore...

;(

2012-01-08T00:24:00.002+08:00

I feel like doing it again tonight.. But K msg me abt it.

She saw it but she didnt say anything.. It's been a lot of days, no one sees, no one asks, no one cares... But all I want to say is I LOVE HER a lot!!

She make me promise her not to do it again, but I don dare to tell her that I was thinking abt it tonight.. Will she scold me if I go tmr with new cuts?? I don know.

Just saw a video on youtube abt fathers.. I cried and Im still crying now..

Here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ue-8pEcXoVI&feature=share

Yeap. there are no perfect fathers but at least in the video, he cares, he's concerned, he celebrate his daughter birthday. Then me?? Well, let's just cry to make myself feel better...

I hate to see my grandma angry and she's scolding me for staying up late. She say no one will ever going to say me all of them give up on me. But like as if I want. Ok, I was supposed to do beer game.. I have always give encouragement to myself to move on carry on work harder and prove all the people wrong.. This is no longer me. I gave up on that...

I hope the world ends soon...

p.s. By the rate of me crying with my swollen eyes, tmr I must unseen..

Life goes on like the way it is...

2012-01-04T20:52:00.002+08:00

Hangout with Peggy and Kristi today!:D

They did their new year shopping while I just window shopped!:D

I did mine a few days ago. I shld stop spending money!

HEHE.. Yeap, Im feeling better. I didnt do it again! Good thing right??

Well I hope this goes on and the feeling will not come back! PLEASE??

I just learn how to accept everything.

What Gisele said is true. So yeah.. Im listening to everything!:D

I just struggled with the econs assignment.. IT IS NOT A GOOD SIGN!

URGH! I did it today cos tmr must hand up. Oh well! Imma a last min gurl!:D

I passed my AM!:D (which I cant rmb what it is abt!!) HAHAH.

Good I shall continue!:D

I decided to change my new year resolution!!!

It will be:

I want to be myself, be happy and smile always!

I hope this resolution will be maintain all year round!:D

I finally did what I said...

2012-01-02T23:11:00.002+08:00

I never say for the sake of saying.. I did it. HEHE.

And Im liking it.. The pain is alot but at least make me feel better in my heart..

The thing is... How do I go to school tmr? Wear a watch? Bracelet to cove it up??

The most I think I will say is "Oh, I accidentally cut myself"

HAHAHA.. My penknife is blunt need a new one.. :D

Tmr is school... Assignments all not done. Crystal you best.

Nights all. I will sleep with the pain, at least I wont cry!

No more tears please, let the blood replace it...

p.s. Francis come to visit me at work today with 2 cookies for me! HEH. He makes me happy! I cant stop smiling.. :D

Peggy brought me a BIG drumstick too.. Cos I say Im still hungry even though I ate a bowl of noodles and bread.. This two make me realise that they remember me and take not of what I said! LOVE YOU ALL! Hang out soon alright?? ALL 6 of US!:D

WELCOME TO 2012!!:D

2012-01-01T21:57:00.002+08:00

It's the first day of the year and its ending in 2 hrs time..

Time really flies.

Hmmm... I got no countdown this year so I got nothing to talk abt..

But I really did try to do sth scary. Like a gift for myself for a new year..

HAHAHA..

I was thinking of cutting myself.. But GUESS WHAT??

I watch TV till I fall asleep and the next moment I was on my bed till this morning..

LOL! So I forgot that I have to cut myself. HAHAH.

Shld I try it later?? o.0

This holiday is nothing much.. Just work and work.

I free I work, not free also work. So yeah~

Life is so boring now.. I don know why.

It's the same cycle everyday-- Sleep, wake up, school/work, sleep

I don like it..

Well, I hope this 2012 will be a good year. At least make me smile more and appreciate it even more. Secondly, I shall post more happy posts!:D Most imptly, wish that I will stop thinking of dying..

Got to continue my beer game assignment.. Zzz

-Did anyone know of my existence??

The last week of the year...

2011-12-29T11:42:00.002+08:00

It's a few days before the year ends...
Work and work! Projects and assignments not started!
Zai right?? HAHA. Whatever.. Just let things be!:D

The holidays is going way too fast. Beyond my control! But I guess I make full use of it?!
HEHE. When school starts imma going to loft around again. Get use to it alright!
I need to sort out my thoughts before the year end! This year no countdown for me!
SAD! Everyone got their own stuff to do! Why do I always be so free??
I need to be a busy bee! I like to be busy! Mind and heart too tired to think!:D

You know what my new year wish is??
"I want to die"
It's crazy I know, but it solve everything doesnt it??
Well, I shall get started on my beer game assignment!! Zzz

p.s. Come to think of it, if humans like me thinking of dying then what about vampires like Edward and the Cullen family when they cant even die?? That if they exist in this world. :P

The problem is always there..

2011-12-12T22:42:00.002+08:00

You see what I mean by WHY I don want to stay at home?
I hate this kind of thing!! Ffffuuuuuuu!
Can I don stay here anymore?? I want to run away from home!!
I want to cry so badly now.. ;(
Do you all know how I feel inside my heart. Did you all even ask??
Say I change. Do you know why??
Which idiot will be okay living in this kind of situation??

Haiz. Whatever. I need to avoid staying at home..
Tmr work. Wed Party, Thurs BTT practice, Fri project & meeting up with Swen, leech and Rozann.
Sat & Sun work.
ANYONE wants to go for a mini shopping or movie or dinner lunch with me??
Im so ready to make everyday pack like hell.
I like to live like that!

Move on like the way it's suppose to be

2011-12-10T22:51:00.002+08:00

Work was fun. Everything seems to went back to place...
Well. Everything really went back. I can think normally and everything..
I know what I'm doing now. I do it even better.
I learn from all this. I need to improve, I need to be more open and positive.
HEH. SO let's start from this hols!:D

By the way did I mention that lofting around seems fun too?
But only when you have a company beside you!
Thank you all those for standing by me! <3

p.s I will work harder, be stronger! TEEHEE!:D

Everything will be ok right?

2011-12-08T23:42:00.002+08:00

My feelings for today went up and down like a roller coaster..
Now it's like down down down~
I tried my best in it. I hope everything will be fine.
I really need everything to be fine.

Early this morning wear new shorts to make me feel happy,
get a new HOT PINK iPhone cover to make me happy.
A new pendant?? HAHAHA.. THAT Im SO happy ttm.
Just painted my nails black. TEEHEE!

But all was temporary.
The moment I got on to the bus, I start thinking.
Me don want to drag so I confront it.
So far so good~ BUT Im still waiting.
I will wait till I get a reply.
I scared of any negative consequences..

God, Please be nice to me.
You make me come this far..
Passing my PSLE, passing my o levels, overcoming the fact that I wont have a perfect family,
trying hard to make new friends and not get too emotionally attached.
Teach me how hard is this reality gonna to be with problems I face at work, let me see who is real and who is fake. What kind of situation am I gonna face and how I face it..
SO please tell me that you will pull me through all the things that have been going through my head.
Give me the strength to complete all the stuff that I have on hand give me courage to face all the things and continue to let all the people that I put beside my heart to be with me as long as possible. Better still, don take them away from me. I NEED THEM!
& please stop throwing me new problems or troubles cos obviously like you can see I have reach my utmost limit. If I burst, I wont know what to do..
Maybe I will start to think like a saddist.
I hope everything I post here will come true. All my wishes and thoughts about the future.
THANK YOU AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU!:D

Everything is gone.. Will it come back??

2011-12-07T22:20:00.002+08:00

Life goes on everyday & the cycle repeats..
I feel worse after every single day.
I feel weaker as days goes pass & I realize that I'm not strong AT ALL.
The feeling is always there, the gap, the difference.
I don't dare to face it all! I tried to run away.
Keep myself occupied and everything is not working..
I still so freeeeee.. Everyone is busy except for me!
& when Im free, everything starts.
Im so mind fucked. I know. I hope my brain will stop
THINKING TOO MUCH! :/
Actually I was really thinking way ahead..
Like go clubbing and forget all the stuff.
Getting wasted so that I have no idea what is going on.
Die to let all this stop happening.
YEAH, dying seems like a solution..
But I will look stupid.
I got other great things..
I have great friends!:D & my GRANDMA!
So yeah.. I guess that's enough..
Everyone has their own troubles but why is it only me that cant get over it?
Cant hide it? Cant accept it??
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??
Im emotionally unstable when Im alone.
I get panicked and stress easily.
Is not a good sign I knows. BUT STILL!
If this continues I don know what I will do...

Well before that Im kinda packed for the holidays coming up..
Im glad. REALLY glad to the max.
But when time for break, you came across my mind.
I will ask myself what did I do wrong?
What's wrong with us?? What did I say or do??
Why is it so different from last time?
Do you feel the same way I did?
Is there anything I can do to make it better?
But I got no answer to every single question..
It just keep repeating, the more it repeats I feel worse.
Can someone just help me?? To pull me out of this hole.
I don want to go deeper. I scared..

I treasure everything that we do even the little ones...

2011-11-25T21:22:00.002+08:00

IF ONLY EVERYDAY WAS LIKE YESTERDAY...
when Im in the club. Im not kidding.
I want to live a happy life I really want. & Im trying hard for it.

Yesterday, I went to Rebel @ Clarke Quay.
HAHA.. It's the best so far.. Maybe cos I drink a bit too much.
The company with me is fun and they are nice too. Really!!
Even though I only met half of them yesterday, but when inside the club we look as if we know each other for VERY LONG! I like the feeling.
They are like I don know. They are just nice. You all should see what they did..
Looking out for us, bringing us to the toilet, warning us from weird pple, help us out, forever asking whether I am ok (even though I always say I'm ok but actually not). HAHAH..
At least they are better than _________...
So yeap. If can I really want to go with the exact same people again! <3
I really want time to stop at the exact moment so that I can just listen to the music and dance and not thinking of anything else but just enjoy. You get it??
Lastly, I admire them ALOT! They don look stress forever enjoying themselves all day long.
They stand by each other side and care for each other deep from their heart. HEHE.
It's like so cool to observe their conversation. It's like just by watching them I feel happy.
They are funny people positive people. I want them to teach me how to live that way of life too.
I don think they will come upon my blog. So I can say all I want here!
The thing is if you were sad and you hang out with them, you will naturally be happy again and forget about everything. HEH.
I hope their friendship lasts as long as possible!

HAHA! The moment I meet this awesome group of people, I lost my EZ-link card. HAHA.
Nervous until I dropped I also don know, then I panic. CLASSIC!
EPIC night I have.
But just too bad, after saying goodbye yesterday, I don know if we will hang out again... ;(

NOW, I feel like going clubbing again. Im not kidding. I don like to be alone. I want to be a busy bee forever rushing for stuff.
Yes. Currently I can say Im very busy with all the assignments piling on my shoulders. But Im not taking any determination to complete all. I don like.
Im like very sian of everything..
HEHEHE.. I can live my life better right?? I shall start today? Tomorrow or when??

Also, I feel that we are further apart now.. Is this what happened in every friendship??
It's like a magnet. 2 magnets attract to each other and will start to be closer to each other as time goes by but eventually, it gets too strong and rebel. When the magnets rebel, they may go even further where they start, correct??
To me, it happen to me everytime. Im really trying to salvage in a way or another.
Aiya, the best thing is to tire myself out so my BRAIN CAN STOP THINKING SO MUCH!
Settled.
Time for assignments. I still got alot more to do and tomorrow got work..
Who call Im a pig and im dying to sleep now..
GO GO GO~

p.s I LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS DEEP FROM MY HEART, pls stay by me as long as possible ok? You don know how much I need you all so badly to be with me! Im not a strong girl at all.

It always wrong!!

2011-11-20T23:55:00.001+08:00

I don know what's wrong with me lately! Thanks to my thoughts I can't be myself..
Really! What Austen say is true!! If there's a picture of pple with me inside I will never find myself in it. I don know where I stand and why I live! He's scary. Scary to the state that he knows how I feel abt myself and how I see things!!

Well! I did try to improve and I'm still improving. But then.. I really feel very lonely all the time!
I know I got great friends around me!! Loads of them but sometimes I think that I'm just trying to fit in..
Like for example, A, B, C and me!
B and C will got to A abt everything. I will go to A too. Then when we meet or talk I don know what they talking abt. And cos they got common topic they talk abt it. All I have to do is just sit and listen.. I know right. I'm so sensitive to this state but it's really how I feel.
This always haunt me and now it got worse!! ;(

I don know. I'm like so helpless but I don know what to do! I always cry when I can't control my emotions!

I'm taking driving now.. So means that I need to manage my time well and I need more money to pay for my driving fees!!
So now I have to work more for money and study more for higher GPA and manage my time well to pass my driving as soon as possible! Alot of things to do but I always not starting on it.. zzz

I need something. And that's self confidence and self esteem! I need to find it back together with determination!! Yes. I'm so confused and panic inside but I have to act normal on the outside. It's so difficult you know!! ;(

I wish tomorrow will be a better day...

Sometimes...

2011-10-28T09:48:00.001+08:00

I just feel so lonely. I don know why. Hate this feeling. It's like I'm not even suppose to be here and that I'm suppose to be gone..

Now it's the 2nd week of the school, I still can't focus yet. Lol.
Me worried of my GPA but not doing anything to get it?? I sucks!
Tmr is sat, means work! I need to remind myself again and again to learn.
I need to protect myself from everything. Tiring much..

Every post I'm like complaining. Me forever complain. Haiz.. It's ok lah. Like as if who will read it right??

However, I still dream that my wish will come true one day. I still believe. :D

We are not like we used to be...

2011-10-25T10:05:00.001+08:00

Having lecture now.. Headache... :/
So much for paying attention..
Wanted to blog ystd, but too lazy to do it!
Haiz.. I want to stop complaining, stop comparing. I want the world to end like NOW..

Hello, if you all want to judge pple by looks just approach the person you chose! Don bother the rest especially when they had extreme low self-esteem an make them go through so much trouble and ended up not being chosen.
Even though, I have guess the outcome. But I'm still a human.. I'll be hurt too..
Is the world really like that?? Judge by the looks only not the capabilities and every other factor!
I sound like a bitch now but still..
Yes! I'm hurt badly.. I always think that ok.. They go by looks but not all.. They go by experience too.
& yes I admit that I can't present myself the best to strangers, I'm trying to change that.. But i don how to start or how to do it.
I can only be confidence when musi is play.. I want to be like this everyday..
I want to portray a confidence look. I don want pple to think why I'm so coward.. I.. Urgh! Pissed with myself.
See?? I blame myself again! For comparing and being selfish!

Went home to complain. Really??
My aunt say that it won't be like that??
I have seen enough of this world! I don want to see more negative sides to make myself to have less confidence in myself.

But still, I will work hard to score good results. So what if I don look pretty? So what if I like slow at learning stuff! I really really put in extra effort to male all things right and work at my best..
Can anyone understand how I feel??
I feel so inferior to everyone..
I'm like a loser to myself..

& one day I will foresee that verifying will be gone.. & I'll have a major breakdown soon.
I need someone to think exactly like me..
But I guess it's back to me myself and I!;(

P.s I scared my friends will read my blog and don want to be my friend anymore! I need them more than anything else in the world other than my family.. ;(

I shld just stop here.. I'm tearing up.. In lecture class!;(

2011-10-22T23:22:00.002+08:00

I aren't even kidding....
I hate the feeling whereby after something happen, I reflect my actions and I found out that I should not even do anything at all to react to it.
After everything, I will just find out that actually Im in the wrong too.
I hate it..

I don like to be used or whatever and not doing anything about it.
So what if im only a 18 year old girl?? I got feelings and pride.
SO what if I don have a perfect family since I was young. I put in my greatest effort to improve myself, to make myself to be a normal girl.
I tried. I really tried. & Im tired of it.
Guess everyone will face this in life..
But still.
Really. I thought when I was young.
All I did was to tell myself to pass my PSLE to prove my stepmother wrong.
Then when I was 14 years old, I tell myself that I cant depend on my family to get new stuffs, I need to be independent, so I went to work.
When I was 16, when o levels came into my life, I tell myself, I must go poly, I must go into the course that I like.
After receiving the o levels result, I cant achieve the desired results which is 10 points...

During poly, I have to study the course that I dont even heard of it before, I slowly tell myself I can do it, I can improve myself..
& ended up, I improve each sem even though it's not really a lot.
But again, at least I tried.
Now after working at the Jurong, customer scold me until I cried, I tell myself, I must not only improve, I need to work hard study hard for my future.
Then now, the place that I used to have fun in, enjoy working, it's no longer what it used to be.
Everyone has changed, all is aiming for sales, snatching everything that they see...
They have turn scarier, not the person I used to know...
I don know that person is saying the truth not, when they praise you is it real?
When they talk in another language, you will suspect.
It's no longer fun working there, with the in charge chasing you for sales,
with the people all focusing on hitting the sales..
We are humans, why cant you all stop all the activities and think,
it's that a right thing to do??
& why cant we just put ourselves in other pple shoes and think?
Not like as if I am a really good girl or what. But still.
If it's gonna continue like this in future when I finish school,
I would rather the world to come into an end soon.
It's scary to even think that the outside world is worst than this.
Yes, God. I appreciate everything you give me now..
My family, my friends, all the stuff that I possess.
But I want to live a happy and simple life,
I really appreciate everyone deep inside my hear, I just didnt show it.
I really mean it.. I don want anyone to leave.
I don want to be the only one suffering in this world.

So what I had thought is I need to improve myself more.
If I dont, I will never survive the cruelty of the world.
I need to control my temper. really, it's the crucial thing.
I need to calm myself and think that those that had done wrong will have karma,
the same thing for me. If I did something wrong, I'll get karma, sooner or later..
Next, I shld be more open, they don regard you as human, they don respect you,
just IGNORE! I need to ignore. If not I'll live shorter by being pissed at it.
All I had to do is just do what Im suppose to do.
& if Im going to continue for another 9 months or so, I need to tolerate.
I need to shut up! & I will tell myself again,
I CAN DO IT!
Yes, everything that happens recently, I blame myself, blame myself for not speaking up, blame myself that I fucking care, blame myself why I cant tolerate, blame myself why I let this kind of things happen, blame myself why I cant be more open, literally everything I blame myself.

Im tearing now... & I don want to stop. I don want to tell anybody straight in the face.
They will think that Im stupid. so stupid.
& if I were to tell anyone now, after that I will think that I shouldn't even tell at all.

& to those who do anything that I don like, I thank you for teaching me what real life is like.

-Crystal

2011-10-14T23:34:00.002+08:00

LAST DAY~
Today is my last day at Carrier. HEHE..
I have work there for 1 & 1/2 months..
HAPPY that I did what I plan.. To work during the hols!
Even though I'm tired but I feel that I achieve my goals..
Monday school gonna start! Cant wait!:D

I really should start learning to say goodbye.
Such that I have to accept that people come and go..
I need to change my character and personality!:D
How do I start?? Hmmm..
Alot has been going through my mind..
I think too much again. But it's not nonsense stuff.

Even though now I really don care if you hang out with me or what.
But sometimes I still wish that you initiate an outing..
I was so happy that finally we could spend time together..
But you sound reluctant to make it..
Ask again, you can't confirm till later..
You don get it right?? I still trying to keep our friendship as close as possible.
I don want to be a bad guy, I hate it.
But am I suppose to bear all this in silence and act like everything is ok??
I cant hide my emotions well. So when I'm uncomfortable with you I show it.
I don see a point in hiding it.. Cos it's my true feelings and emotions.
It's so difficult to maintain this friendship & I'm getting tired of taking a big step.

I'm such a bitch.. I know. I don mind taking the first step but not every time..
It seems that you does not even bother about me.
So I just take it as a lesson for me. :D

I'm still stuck at making decision. I can't bring myself to quit this job.
I love the people there.. The working environment was ok.
But now, it looks different, feel different. Everything just gone.
I don know what to do sia..
The question again, must I stay to suffer or am I suppose to voice out?
Every time after I voice out, after the talk, or whatever, I will reflect and I will think that I'm in the wrong instead.
I will ended up blaming myself for voicing out. Then I will think that I should have just shut up and suffer.

There's going to be lots of outing coming up!:D HEHEH..
With my fav people. Hope they all can make it!
For now, I will treasure every single outing we went, cos I don know which is the last.
I need to be mentally prepared before everything happen to fast that's not within my control..

-I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

2011-10-13T23:59:00.002+08:00

I need a break....
I don get it.. All those that I want to keep in my life, slowly leave me one by one..
Either they say goodbye before hand or never even say anything at all.
But why those that I don want them to exist they are forever there??
I know one day, when those that I dislike is gone, I''ll regret.
But I'm feeling so shitty right now..

I love those that treat me nice. But I don know how to start telling them.
Take for example, my friend, I really love hanging out with her but ended up,
she got bf already and rarely hang out with us..
I feel abandoned. She didn't fulfill her promise.
Yeah, like as if I will fulfill my promise to others, but I tried my best to do it.
Then another one, I feel comfortable with is no longer in my life now.
Even though we meet once in a while but still..
I feel that we are further apart.
We both eat a lot and we talk abt our own school life and stuff...
I don want to lose these friends but they unknowingly making their way out of my life.
Even though I don show it but I feel it deep down my heart.

I have this friend. She's older than me and think differently from me.
I treat her as my older sister. She give me a diff feeling that she will guide me
in everything we do together. She almost exit my life the last time.
I cried on the spot knowing it. I don want. I hate goodbyes, even though I know it's for our own good. But still. What's the point of saying hello when eventually you will say goodbye??
I want to tell this 3 friends to stay in my life forever. PLEASE?

& to all those that is in my life now. Please stay with me.
I need you all even if I don show it.
I need you all so badly that sometimes I didnt even know it myself.

I will never learn how to say goodbye cos I always take hello seriously.

JOEY, GISELE, PING, KRISTI, FRANCIS, SHUYING, MIFFY, VAN, LEECH, CRYSTAL CHEE, ANNSLEY, KELLY, CHENGYEE, CHIN EN, PEGGY & so on...
I LOVE YOU ALL DEEP IN MY HEART!<3

2011-07-20T18:40:00.002+08:00

I did a quiz on Facebook. It describe everything about me.. :D
Here it is:

Your view on yourself: You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

I think it's very true so I decided to post it here. HEH.
Oh, I got the bursary already. Happy!:D
Im not a poor girl anymore.
Got alot of assignment, project and tests coming up...
Hope everything's over and I can get a temp admin job. :D

-I can't stop thinking of you, WHY?

2011-07-08T22:31:00.002+08:00

FINALLY...
I post sth on blogger..
I deleted all my previous posts.
It's so easy, nope I can delete my past like that too.
Im listening to Hot summer by f(x) now.
I feel so... Don know how to say.
I just need to rant it out.
Here it goes...

Im not a strong girl. I pretend to be one, & im sick of it now.
I hate myself for being strong, I want to stop acting strong.
But I scared that I will change to a person that I would not know.
Also, will the people around me accept me for who am I?
There's alot of things on my mind.
Studies, Work, Money, Friendships, Kinship, apparently everything.
Im just a 18 year old girl. Im sick and tired of my life.
What is this? You tell me??
I tried to encourage myself, tell meself that I will be ok.
I survive my childhood alone, with friends leaving, family not understanding me.
If I can survive that, why I cant I do it now?
I guess cos I look far, I know how the road is ahead of me.
I want to stop and take a big rest, but I cant.
No one allows me to do that, time doesn't allot me to do that too.
I use music as a way of escape.
I dance cos I think that I can become another person.
If it was a sad song, I will become sad.
If it was a dance song, I will dance till my heart contents.
Telling this to anyone also doesn't do anything too.
Yeap. I have great friends. But they encourage me, talk to me, make me feel better.
But after a while, I'm back to square one.
Cos my problem is not solve.
My problem will never be solve.
The person who solve it will have to be me, ME. No one else.
I really, I don know sia..
I pray hard that my future will be better.
Tomorrow will be better, but sometimes it just didn't come true.
At my age, I'm not suppose to think where will I end up in future?
What if one day, I got no shelter over my head?
What if, I fail my poly?
What if something big happen in my family, then it shatters?
Where will I go in the end?
What if all my friends that I have now leave me one by one?
What if my grandma were to die, who will be there for me?
What if i really one day commits suicide, will anyone care?
If I really have the chance, I want to live my life again.
I know we can't choose our parents, our family.
But at least god, tell me how to live it to the best.
Teach me, send me someone that will never leave me when I'm suffering.
You give me a life, a mother that do not want me since young.
You give me a father, who doesn't make me feel like I have a father.
You give me my step sister and step mother who make my childhood not very good.
You give me my grandma, but you didn't tell me to cherish it since young,
when I had already learn to cherish her, it's the time that I know she will leave me one day.
I don know how to express to her how much I need her.
I have my friends. But sometime why do I get a feeling that I'm not being well liked by them?
Why is that once I trust the person with my whole heart, they will back stab me or not betray me, leave me?
What's the use of them having in my life when the ending is goodbye?
I hate to say goodbye, cos it's hard for me to say hello.
I don like the thought of starting over again.
Does anyone knows exactly how I feel?
Am I too selfish? I don know.
I don like it when we get further then we use to be.
I hate it when I starting to dislike someone.
I hate every emotions except for being happy, excited or anything that is positive.
I know too much flaws about myself.
That's why sometimes I hate myself for who I am.

I'm suppose to study for PEL test that is on tuesday, But I'm here blogging.
I'm crying very badly now...
I need a goal, I need something to keeps me on in life.
I really very scared what will happen in future.
I always wish for time to stops, but it didn't.
I wish that I'm cinderella, at least I got my fairy godmother.
Or any fairy tales that end with a happy ending.
I know that everybody got their story to tell, & there's more unfortunate people out there compared to me.
I tried to tell myself that, but it didn't work, guess I need someone that is real positive to talk some sense into me.
I want to go for South Korea study trip, but I don think I can afford.
& because it's during the hols, I have to work, no time.
I really want someone to plan my life, what I do and what time I have to accomplish it.
Cos when I start to plan, I start to realize a lot of things and realize that I have just leave them aside and pretend nothing happen.
As it piles up, it scares me.

Ended up, Crystal. It will comes back to you.
You have to keep it up and do something about it.
Takes things at a time.
Don't panic. Cherish everything you have now.
Don't regret. I will be there for you!
From, ME!:D